Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Lost and Found

I don't always understand this life. OK, I rarely understand this life. I mean, I get we're supposed to learn lessons and learn to be compassionate and learn to love. I know. I know. But why, pray tell, does it have to be so damn hard? Why do we have to lose so much in order to learn? That's when we really take things seriously? That's when we really pay attention?

Today is six months that my Mom passed away. In six months, I have not gotten used to the idea that she is gone. And in six more months, I will not adjust to this new idea. I hate this fact. I hate this reality. I don't want to adjust to it or get used to it or accept it. I just want my Mom back.

I reworked - again -the chapter on her funeral for my book. I'm still reworking it. Revise. Edit. Play. Fix. Adjust. Make it better. I haven't had this much trouble writing in a long, long time. If ever. It's a good chapter, but the beginning is stumping me. I wrote it. Didn't feel right. Rewrote it. Let it sit. Reread it. Rewrote it again. Now, I think I finally have it to a respectable place. I think.

Of course, every damn time I read it, I cry. Sob, actually. Which is really what I need to do. I've not given myself enough of a chance to mourn. It's never the right time; I'm out or driving or having a great day and don't want to start feeling all depressed again. The writing of this chapter is giving me a chance to mourn. But the mourning sure as hell is getting in the way of the writing!

Losing anyone alters our lives. It doesn't just have to be someone who has died. The loss can almost be as great when someone we deeply love leaves or we leave. I just don't get why it has to be this way. Why did God, who loves us so much, put us in positions where we lose and we live with pain? There has to be a better way. I don't care what Eve did - Eve, who was framed by the way. I get it builds character. I get it builds strength. I've got enough character, and God knows I'm strong enough. I just want what I've lost to return.

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly, completely, and totally what you are feeling. Here I am over a year later, and still heartbroken. I heard something the other day about grief, a piece of advice if you will...just get thru each hour, dont expect to bounce back after a certain amount of time, it will get better but not easier.